Waiting....

  Sometimes I feel as if I am waiting for my life to start.  Waiting for all the life I could be living, if I had more money or more time or my left side didn't hurt so badly (still).  There have been so many images of the past flooding through my mind today and sometimes I think that Corey is lucky that he doesn't remember certain things in his life, but with the bad come the good I guess.  I was in the shower when the memories hit me and I had to collect myself and remember where I was and how I was safe.  I almost forgot, but then Corey walked by and I smelled his beard and I heard the dogs out in the living room and I knew that I was alright.  The last time that my father hit me we were in the NAU parking lot in Flagstaff.  I was eighteen at the time.  I had been admited to the university honors dorms and I was trying to move into what ended up being a large room that I shared with two complete bitches.  But, I didn't know that at the time and I was excited.  Not many people know this, but I was pretty isolated at the time and I didn't have a great many friends so when I asked my "friends" to help me move my stuff....no one showed up and my father being angry about having to move all of my things into the dorm room alone, slapped me in the parking lot.  I remember feeling so embarrased, as if everyone knew and I didn't want that "reputation" following me.  My family is so much more messed up than anyone knows.  I don't tell people the half of it.  What I realized today was that all of my questions (well almost all of them)-that I have had about my family-had been answered.  I didn't like what I heard, but now I know where I came from and how I got here and everything.  One day, I'll share it with you.  If I am still thinking about it, I'll say a few things on my podcast but for right now I have to remember that I am safe and that all of that bullshit is behind me-way behind me.  I don't have to wake up screaming anymore.  I don't have to wonder what new horror remains hidden.  I am careful and cautious, but I don't have to be.   I can laugh and no one will get angry.  Nothing bad will happen.  And when I go to sleep tonight, I am destined to sleep well.