Nightmares.

  I'm having nightmares all the time now.  Ones where I try to wake up, but I can't and I am stuck in this world of limbo where I am useless and afraid.  The nightmare was worse today.  I was surrounded by blood.  Thick walls of it that covered my face and hands and that I could not run from.  I couldn't breathe and even when I tried to breathe, the blood came into my lungs and pressed hard against my spine.  My hands turned into claw like shapes, as I grasped at nothing to help me.  As the liquid entered me, I was terrified but then this strange calm came over me and I took more blood into me and did not scare so easily.  I closed my eyes and placed my hands together, as if I was chanting and prayed for death to come soon.  I did not see my life flash before my eyes nor did a bright light or a tunnel begin to show itself to me, but in the dream I could tell that I was happy for it to be over with and ready for the end to arrive.  Finally, I let the waves push me over and knock me to the ground and I gave up and in this surrender I found the sleep that I was looking for and hoping for and dreaming for and the lights went out.  It's not unusual for me to have persistent nightmares.  Once I had the same nightmare for years, the same reoccurring dream.  I was a little girl walking down a long street with houses on either side.  I had walked down this street before, but this time it was becoming stormy out and the wind had begun to fiercely blow.  As rain began to drop, I went to one of the houses to look for shelter.  I knocked on the door, but it was already partly open and so being a little girl....I walked inside.  The house was strange.  It held doors on either side of a long hallway.  Door and only doors.  I walked down the hallway and began to open each door.  Behind it was a rotted corpse and behind the next and the next even more corpses.  I tried to run, but I heard whispering from upstairs and as this being came down to get me I woke up.  I am at an impasse.  An all or nothing stage.  I have to go with what I feel and know to be true and I can't get it back-not again.