Wednesday, February 6, 2013

It's funny...

  It's funny how much you look back on your life and wonder.  What if I had taken a different step?  What if I wasn't at that bus stop or reading that book?  What if I hadn't left my house that day?  Would I still have met you?  Are we destined for these things; are they coincidence or is our future mapped out by us?  So many questions.  So little time.  The music whispers to me to close my eyes and remember how much I love you.  It seems to strange to me that everything could have gone so differently.  I don't know how I would live without you.  It's been a while since I grew my hair long.  I haven't felt safe, until now.  My father pulling me by my hair down the hallway.  Throwing me into the bathroom mirror, a piece of glass forcing its way into my head and the blood pouring out as he pushed me into the shower and held my head under the water.  I don't know what made him let me go.  I do remember the air as it returned to my lung and how I was so scared, scared beyond words to even move.  I crawled into my room and closed the door, hoping that I would bleed to death.  But, I didn't.  I survived and made my way to now.  You are the one that allows me to grow my hair long because I know that you would never hurt me.  I can be myself and there isn't any violence-no matter what I say or how I say it or what I do...nothing bad can come of it.  I am loved.  Nothing is perfect.  We have a bad car and no money and I am still searching for a job, but I can know everyday that I will be alright because I am loved and I am new to this feeling.  I am not used to being held close and told that I am beautiful.  I am not used to kidding around without being hurt for what I say or for laughing at each other or for being sarcastic.  "I see the ramifications of what your father did to you everyday."  I hear the words and I want to argue if they are right or not, but I can't argue what is true.  Someday, everything will be a bit clearer.  Someday, I won't be as faceless.  But, I will always remember with pain in my heart how I lost the trust of someone so dear.  Please don't go.  I hold out my hand and you take it, sitting with me in the darkness and it's alright.  Nothing will be shiny ever again, but I can feel your heartbeat in your wrist and that is enough for me. 

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