Wednesday, February 6, 2013
It's funny how much you look back on your life and wonder. What if I had taken a different step? What if I wasn't at that bus stop or reading that book? What if I hadn't left my house that day? Would I still have met you? Are we destined for these things; are they coincidence or is our future mapped out by us? So many questions. So little time. The music whispers to me to close my eyes and remember how much I love you. It seems to strange to me that everything could have gone so differently. I don't know how I would live without you. It's been a while since I grew my hair long. I haven't felt safe, until now. My father pulling me by my hair down the hallway. Throwing me into the bathroom mirror, a piece of glass forcing its way into my head and the blood pouring out as he pushed me into the shower and held my head under the water. I don't know what made him let me go. I do remember the air as it returned to my lung and how I was so scared, scared beyond words to even move. I crawled into my room and closed the door, hoping that I would bleed to death. But, I didn't. I survived and made my way to now. You are the one that allows me to grow my hair long because I know that you would never hurt me. I can be myself and there isn't any violence-no matter what I say or how I say it or what I do...nothing bad can come of it. I am loved. Nothing is perfect. We have a bad car and no money and I am still searching for a job, but I can know everyday that I will be alright because I am loved and I am new to this feeling. I am not used to being held close and told that I am beautiful. I am not used to kidding around without being hurt for what I say or for laughing at each other or for being sarcastic. "I see the ramifications of what your father did to you everyday." I hear the words and I want to argue if they are right or not, but I can't argue what is true. Someday, everything will be a bit clearer. Someday, I won't be as faceless. But, I will always remember with pain in my heart how I lost the trust of someone so dear. Please don't go. I hold out my hand and you take it, sitting with me in the darkness and it's alright. Nothing will be shiny ever again, but I can feel your heartbeat in your wrist and that is enough for me.
Posted by Hollis Jay