Friday, February 15, 2013

In the trenches.

  How much do we as writers ask from our loved ones?  Do we ask too much?  It has been a hard couple of years for my family.  Three family deaths.  One household income.  No car.  Corey's health dealing with his epilepsy.  My surgerical procedures and getting back on my feet.  Depression.  Therapy for me.  I try to hold my head up most days, but it is hard to do when you feel as if you are being kicked back down repeatedly.  Sometimes, I think that I should just quit it all and try to live a normal life, but there has always been this dreamer in me that keeps telling me to keep going-keep traveling, keep moving ahead as much as possible-try everything-hope-pray-chant and no matter what listen to your gut.  But, I think that I am getting too old for all those big words.  My best friend said something to me this morning.   She said that she didn't have the luxury of thinking like that down in the trenches.  Yes, she is the only one working right now and bringing money into our household and yes I felt so guilty for even being alive after she said that and sorry that I wasn't running off to work...wish I wish that I was.....but, I also felt as if it might be time for me to close up shop.  If I can't catch a break, if this new book doesn't do something to help my family then I should just stop altogether.  I wish that I could find a teaching job and that way I could do both all of the time, but every teaching job that I find seems to be out of state or out of the U.S.A. and my family doesn't want me leaving my home.  I feel so stuck and isolated.  I wish that I could find a great job teaching near my home and be able to write too.  So far, no one will hire me.  So, here we are in the trenches.  Shots coming from multiple directions.  One bullet left. 

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