Long day....

  Three hours cleaning up the mold that surrounded my walls.  I didn't know that it was there, but because of the extreme heat and then the extreme cold it filtered through.  Late start on everything from then on and trying to play catch up with myself.  It's not that often that I hope for something better, but it would be lovely if life would give me a break so that I could take care of those that I love and give back to the community.  It's been eons since I remember seeing a paycheck with my name enscribed on it and even longer than that since I checked my bank account since the depression that comes with it lies deep and for days afterwards.  I just want to do what I love for a living and get paid for it...is that so much to ask?  Sometimes, I think that I should have chosen a different path, but from the age of five all I wanted to be was a writer.  It was the only thing that I could envision myself doing and being happy at it, but as an adult I know that I am getting too old now to try and make it and that there has to be either a turning point or a point where I stop altogether.  I've worked my whole life on my craft, now it would just be nice if someone were to give me a chance.  It's earlier in the morning when this all hits home for me, as the sun is starting to think about rising.  I stare around me and listen to Autumn get up and wonder when I'll be able to take care of her, like she has taken care of me for years now.  I am so glad to have her as a sister in my life, as a friend, and even though we are not bioligically related she has been there through almost everything.  It hurts me not to be able to tell her that everything will remain the same-as difficult as it is-and that we will never be able to catch that break that seems to come to others.  Perhaps, if this new novel has no success it will be time to throw in the towel.