Saturday, March 23, 2013

What you might have said...

  All around there is this swirling. Thoughts gone awry, I find myself apologizing for the strangest things.  Blaming myself, when everything has gone haywire and there is no place to turn to but the cold iron fist of reality.  Colors merge into suicidal thoughts without any control and the places where I thought that I was safe are bathed in blood.  I sit holding the handle of the door tight in my hand, when the tears start.  The scene becomes blurry with tears, but I know the cast and the basic outline of the story.  No one's fault.  All an accident.  Pure and simple.  Nothing that anyone planned.  I hold my face up against the window and feel the cold air rush in on my cheek.  I look up.  Surely, this is a night without stars.  Casting my thoughts on what once was only makes matters worse and I scream at the top of my lungs for peace.  Hiding my face from the crowd, I rise from the seat and walk into the narrow hallway adjacent to your room.  There I find the darkness that haunts me and into the shadows I walk.  Head held down.  Eyes closed.  I lay on the bed, resting and hoping that no one finds me.  Not even you.  I can feel the ceiling fan blow its cold air against my body.  Wave after wave.  Like an ocean, it pulls me in and I am surrounded by beacons of water.  Fresh against my skin.  I can taste the salt on my tongue and I am satisfied to know that I am alone.  Great bulging eyes appear before me.  I sift through the sand and the current, like a snow angel, knowing that soon my time with be over and you will return to haunt me.  I wish that I could take you off like an old coat, and store you away until the winter months returned and I again became too cold to care what covered me against the wind.  I can hear the flap of your gums beating the inside of your mouth with words that I do not understand.  I am not as strong as you think that I am-these feelings make me weaker than you and they conspire against my judgement.  Placed in a corner, I don't know what to say.  I watch as you carry on, letting the words flow out of your mouth like switchblades and remembering that there was a time when you never would have spoken to me like this-as if I was nothing and you were in pain by my mire existence.  I want to shovel myself into the snow and freeze.  I want to climb to the highest tree and never come down, no matter how much you or anyone else begs me to-but I know that you'll never beg.  The fan passes over me in the dark, as I hear you walk into your room.  I make my way to my feet and pass by your frame.  Closing my eyes, as if I were blind I feel my way into the hallway and bask in never knowing what you might have said. 

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