Chapter 38

Frustrations with being an unemployed writer; Working out to
help with stress; Fabulous writer Barry McCann; Reading
from my short story collection "Extremities: A collection of
subtractions; Love to all.

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The dragon.

  I seal myself inside.  Inside the blankets.  Inside the sheets.  Soft pillows act as my fortress.  I barricade myself from the world.  Tucked away.  In the dark.  There is nothing that I cannot do when I am in here.  No limitations or prying questions.  I lay in the dark, and dream with the imagination of a child.  I crush my feet down onto the pavement with large footsteps and no one says a word.  These are all stories I tell myself.  Nestled far away.  Lonely and quiet.  I listen to the music as it sooths me to sleep.  I close my eyes, and rest in the knowledge that I will be left silent.  I slip off into sleep.  In the morning, I wake cold and restless.  My nightmares giving me cause to fear what hovers around me in the unknown wilderness.  I keep to myself, and never storm the castle or fight with the dragons.  But, next to me I carry an invisible sword. 

Chapter 37

Long couple of days... guest on "Bank on Action," New novel, "Like the universe gasping for air" being published by "Spectacular Productions" mid-June; New poetry book "Searching for Solace" coming out at the middle/end of May; Focus on Etsy shop "Turning the Page; " Working on graphic novel "We, James;" Shout out to "Drawn to Comics" for treating us like Rock Gods; Applying for jobs and my desperate effort to get to Chicago Comi-con; 2.5 hour chanting and mentioning other SGI Buddhist activities; Busy week ahead; Reading from my short story collection "Extremities: A collection of subtractions."

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Chapter 36

Busy days; Waiting on responses; Reading back relayed messages; On Facebook: “We Walk Invisible” Short story submissions needed for ChupaCabraHouse.com (good guy Timm Tayshun and others); Tales of working out; Trying not to graze: Taylor Made and Blogster MaskedBlogster from “Abnormal Entertainment” messaging me on Facebook while I was doing my podcast-laughed too much-thanks guys :) ; Going to be recording live with “Bank on Action” on Saturday 04/20/13 at “Drawn to Comics” in Glendale: My interview with wonderful writer David Ward and finally readings from my short story collection “Extremities: A collection of subtractions.”

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Chapter 35

Writing is like playing the waiting game; Learning how to write better; My first (and only) time in a Writer’s Group; My interview with independent horror filmmaker: extraordinary Kevin Forte; Reading from my short story collection “Extremities: A collection of subtractions; Laughing at myself; Thinking of turning “We, James” into a graphic novel; Starting on a wonderful and glorious (sarcasm prevails) eating regime and working out more; Swearing quite a bit in this podcast... so check it out!!!!!  Thank you so much everyone for listening... now, let’s keep it up and get even more listeners!!!!!!

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Fight.

  There is no comfort in misery.  No one to guide away the strangeness of being empty and alone.  Curled up in the darkness, hoping for sleep in a restless night.  The stars seem distant, as if they have traveled far away from sight and deserted the sky.  Music floats into my window.  It perches high above and then soars straight down into the blessed seams.  Holding close to my heart, I watch as the air from my lungs perches and then drifts into small abyss like caverns.  I am alone.  I have cried for the last time and pushed my heart out towards you in hopes that you would return, but it is all in vain.  There is nothing to do now, but pick up the pieces and smile against the sun tomorrow.  Nothing to do, but wish for peace and happiness for those around me and in an instant brave the world again tomorrow with fresh eyes.  I close my mouth and hum the words coming in through my headphones.  This is an experience.  These are what we crave.  Pulling up the sheets and blankets, I pass out in an effort to remember that even though this is over I am not finished in this world.  I have only begun. 

Chapter 34

Longest day ever; updates and information on continuing and new projects; how my interview went; Why inconsistent rambling isn’t good for writers to do; Interview with awesome horror writer Jay Wilburn; Shout out to Brooke and her staff at Central Avenue Grooming; Beginning readings of my short story collection “Extremities: A collection of subtractions.”

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Chapter 33

Interview with my good friend, writer Jimmy Reed - Thank you, Jimmy, for sharing with us!!!!; doctor visit; new interviews with writers and visual artists (even if they are slight mentions) are on the way; the continuation of my editing routine with “Like the universe gasping for air;” Getting ready for Comicon; Much Thanks to Ian for sending me some of his poetry and for his lovely letter to me; Hoping for the best with my job interview on Thursday and the possibility of a writing job at “Purgatory Magazine,” so wish me luck on both endeavors; Lots of new things on the horizon; The end of “The Ever”.

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True love

  I knew it was you.  I held my breath and took a step forward.  I opened my eyes and it was still you.  The smell of your sweet cologne rang through my senses.  That voice no one else can share.  I wrapped my arms around you and all the thoughts of my day that had been holding me back disappeared in a mire second.  And, I was alive again.  Alive, beyond the most elemental of thoughts and feelings in my own universe.  Now, in your universe.  I stayed inside of your warm arms for as long as I could.  Holding onto your arms as you grasped me with all the comforts of home.  I could have stayed with you forever.  I could have kissed those lips over and over until my skin grew raw and parched, but it was time to go and to leave you behind.  No!  I couldn't. I grabbed your hand and took you with me.  I could not let you go.  I could not give up what might be and what was in you.  I held you close and nestled in the corner of your arm, as I slept and my wings were allowed to expand and I flew. 

Chapter 32

New exciting things happening: new horror novel finished, contract for new poetry book signed and sent, received call about a job interview-all very cool; Talking about how we end a book and what happens after the ending; Epilepsy; Mentioning how I was able to come up with idea of the new horror novel that I just completed, “Like the universe gasping for air"; Cauterization scheduled by my OBGYN for Monday afternoon; Hoping that I am not grossing people out with my medical descriptions and explaining that I have a very small gag reflex for horror or gore; Why everything “Twilight” sucks; My love of “Buffy” and we are into the final stretch of “The Ever".

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Falling.

  It's true you have my heart.  Nestled in your hand.  Beating ever so fast.  Its murmur humming against your fingers.  Please be gentle with it and never treat it poorly.  Without my heart, I am a shell.  I am an empty body, hovering unprotected against the world.  My blood pours through and under and over and back into my body around your hand.  I slip through the veins to you and hold my heart with you, against my chest.  As you place my heat back inside of my body, I tell you that I love you.  You tell me that you love me back.  And all the world can't take that away from us, even if things aren't perfect.  I hold your hand, as we cross the parking lot.  With you I can breath, breath as if it is the first sip of air that I have ever taken.  I can cross over the frozen pond and defeat the evil queen.  The sense of myth overwhelms me and I am taken back again to your hand in mine, breaking away from the world and becoming just us-this bubble that allowed us to surrender and how we lost the bubble-how we tortured it-how we mistreated its curves and caresses-how we tore it apart.  There is something cruel about the end of a song.  A melody, the lyrics, the singers, the instruments-they take you to a place where you can take off and wander distant lands of green fields where horses run free and you can run with them and then they stop and leave you back in the real world-heartbroken and yearning for the melodies.  We had reached that end.  But, something pulled us back into the bubble.  Maybe it was love.  Maybe it was the idea of being with someone else.  Electric cords inserted in my heart pump it for me.  I no longer need to worry about it stopping.  The curves of my hands move towards yours, slide across the leather seats of the car and move towards your fingertips-spark. 

Chapter 31

Finishing writing “Like the Universe Gasping for Air,” and the grief and happiness that comes with the completion of a project; Six pages into the new novel “We, James,”  Deciding to speak to my insane and evil Grandmother/Stepmother; Why I can’t seem to get a job?; OBGYN appointment to stop the bleeding; Getting ready for Comicon; Reading from the last chapter of “The Ever.”

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Dialogue.

 "Have you ever loved anyone else?"
"What a strange question to ask?"
"Have you?"
"I am thinking.  Why would you want to know?"
"I'm not sure, it just seems important."
"Why?"
"Well, it seems as if I should be the only one."
"And what makes you think that I love you?"
"I don't know.  You don't?"
"I never said that, but try not to be so assuming."
"I won't assume.  But, you have told me right?"
"I have?"
"Yeah, that one night when we got stuck out in the rain and we slept in my car..that night..."
"Oh, that night.  I was just being kind."
"Don't laugh.  I thought that you were being serious."
"I was being serious...and kind..."
"And she continues to laugh.  Are you trying to break my heart?"
"As if I could break your heart, what me and the hundreds...no....no...the thousands of other women that you have had..."
"Had?  You make it sound so dirty."
"Isn't it?  I see that grin on your face."
"Well, none of them compared to you."
"Oh I bet.  I bet that's what you told each and every one of them."
"Are you going to answer my question or what?"
"Demanding I see!"
"No, just wondering."
"What happens if I tell you yes?"
"You won't tell me yes."
"What makes you so sure?"
"I'm not, but I am certain that there are others-have been others."
"And for you too."
"Your heart doesn't belong with me."
"If you say so."
"Then, you do love me?"
"I'll never tell."
"Never?"
"Thank you for the kiss, but it won't break me."
"Sooner or later, it will."
"If you say so."
"Oh, I know so."
"I can be very quiet.  Silent, if I have to."
"I doubt that.  You've never been silent.  Ever."
"And should I be?"
"No...especially in bed."
"So, we are getting down to brass tactics then?"
"Well, you are never going to tell me?"
"I think that's best.  Don't you?"
"Well, we have ways of making you talk."
"Don't make me laugh...we are being serious...serious, right?"
"Yes, serious...sort of...."
"Good.  Sort of....sort of serious..."
So, do you love only me?"
"Maybe."
"That's a yes.  A maybe is a yes."
"No, a maybe is a maybe.  I told you that I would never tell."
"It's getting dark.  We should go inside."
"I can barely see out here anymore."
"Here.  Take my hand.  I'll help you along."
"It's better inside.  Not as cold."
"I agree.  I still have your hand."
"Hold it awhile."
"Okay."
"I do love you."
"I know."

Passion

  Walking into the dark, I hear him behind me.  Following every step that I make has become his priority.  He is the only person that I can depend upon and trust with my life.  In the shadows, he proclaims his love for me and I listen to the words that he says with faith as my heart beats passionately inside of my chest.  The crisp and cold air of the night fills my lungs and I am tortured not to touch him.  I walk away, back into the fray hoping that he will follow, knowing that all along I have been the one.  There is a strange sweetness to the night.  Flowers blossoming before their time.  Picking daisies when I was a child, just to watch them blow into the wind like fine and fragile hints of promises kept.  When I arrive home, he is there waiting and watching.  I unlock the door, but I never invite him inside.  Tonight, I wonder if I am making a mistake.  Held at bay, from my distant arms he waits for me to return to fight and to hunt but I am still in awe of his declarations and so, I carry his words with me as they creep about the walls of my home indifferent to what I need or to what I want, only projecting these letters that form the words that he knows I want to hear.  How long have I secretly waited for this?  There is hidden, a flame forged by everything we have been through together, by every word spoken, by what can never be undone and as I open my front door I think of what is impossible.  And I let him inside. 

4 new poems

The tall grass
My stomach in knots
I can't think
It hasn't been like-
this
all day
just now
as I think
of you
I shouldn't
be doing this
But,
I have no choice
for it is me
that I am overcoming
and even though
you may think
that this
is all
about you
you-
don't matter
it's what
I have
to overcome
I close my eyes
and breathe
through my mouth
the air
shifting against
my broken tongue
I can't help
but wonder
when you will call.

Life
Opening my hand
a blade of grass lies inside
I hold the sun still

Love
Pick
which one
it's not
as easy
as it looks
walking away
backing up
changing your mind
breaking my heart
it's not
as easy
as it looks

Dictation
Stop! And listen to me.
Walk away
when you have the chance
when the opportunity arises
and you can still sleep
at night
protected
by the thoughts
of innocence
never take
me with you
leave me
behind
to grow
in the weeds
and blend in
with the green
leave me
and never look back
I am ready
to be alone

Chapter 30

Becoming less mundane when I speak; New writing projects; Comicon; “Spectacular Productions,”-sending my new horror novel “Like the universe gasping for air” to their submissions in April;  “Scribbcrib-“ the publisher of my new poetry book “Searching for Solace; “The Kitschy Cupcake,”-primarily a horror inspired designer and artist with her work on “Etsy”-will be doing an interview with her closer to Comicon in May and I will be not only wearing her designs to Comicon, but I will also be promoting her work and my work while I am there; How do we come up with new ideas; What inspires us; The continuation of “The Ever” and awaiting a review from Coffee and a Good Book.

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